Top 5 Animals It Would Be Awesome to Be

This is not a list of my favorite animals, or the coolest animals. This is a list of animals it would be awesome to actually be. Meaning they have it made in some great way that would make awesome to live as that animal. I love polar bears, wolves, and koalas for example, but I don't relish the amount of time and trouble wolves and polar bears have to put in to feed themselves and stay alive. Koalas have the opposite problem, in that I think I would get bored out of my mind the second day sleepin on a Eucalyptus tree. (Plus, excuse my language below. For some reason the word "fuck" just seemed to get used a lot in this blog)

Flying Squirrel-We can't quite fly, but we can do the next best thing and flying just seems like such a cool thing to do. Unfortunately, we are also lunch for a crapload of other animals.
Elephant-No one fucks with an elephant. We are huge and we never forget. Hell, we are the mafia of the animal world. The authorities couldn't even figure out where we put our dead until recently. Plus we have cool nose-arms.
Kangaroo-We are the kings and queens of our territory. We can hop, stand on our tails, and kick the crap out of others with our feet. We have to face some lean times now and then, but our ladies can put their pregnancy on hold whenever they want. Talk about awesome birth control.

Owl- We are wise, can fly, and see in the dark. Nothing messes with us, and mice are easy to find. None of that hard-to-find-prey that wolves, tigers, bears, and hawks have to mess with. Just furry hot pockets whenever we want.

5. Orangutan, Lemur or other tree Ape-

Basically we're small humans that can swing from tree branch to tree branch without all that working for a living crap. Wanna bannana?

4. Male Lion-Dude, a bunch a bitches get our food and give us love all day long. 'Nough said.

3. Sea Turtle-

We are chill without being lazy, and fuckin' impervious. Seriously, try to eat us, we dare you. Basically, we can't be fucked with and we don't fuck with anyone, 'cuz, quite frankly, we don't need to. That and we get to glide around all day in the beautiful reefs like we're flying. We also exist all over the world, so we can go where we want, when we want.

2. Pelican- Yeah, we're funny lookin'. But think about it. But we hang out by the ocean all day, play in the surf and easily catch a fish whenever we want. We hang with a large group of buddies and have no real predators. Oh, and we can fly!

1. Dolphin-We are smarter than all hell and probably wiser than humans. Our life consists of playing and protecting those who aren't as awesome as we are. (like a foolish human getting to close to great white sharks.) We are also extremely well travelled. We have my own awesome sonar language. We have no real predators, and if a Great White really annoys us, we'll get some friends and will kick its ass. And then go race a boat of tourists. Nothing is more awesome than us. Oh, and thanks for all the fish!

Top 5 Most Ridiculous Sports

It is required that a sport be either recognized as a professional sport by a country or been made an Olympic Sport.

Honorable Mentions:
Bull Fighting- I eat meat, so perhaps this is hypocritical, but do we really need to kill a bull every time someone competes? And torture it first? I mean, if either a) the bull was eaten and put to good use or b) if the bull had a chance at victory. (It dies whether it gets the bull-fighter or not.) Yes, I understand this is a tradition. So was Stoning and Feeding Christians to Lions. I'm just saying...

Cricket- I know that this is Britain's pasttime. I also know it is incomprehensible. This is the only professional sport that breaks for tea!! When I lived in Australia, I got the hang of Rugby and Aussie Rules football, and desperately tried to understand Cricket. But I just couldn't get a hang of it. I swear to you, I watched a batter swing at a ball about 9 times, before finally hitting it straight to some guy about 5 feet away. He ran back and forth between to poles about 3 times before this player got the ball under control and tossed it to the pitcher. The score went from 1250-15 to 175 to 1000.

5. Professional Video Gaming-I went to the playoffs (playoffs!) of the pro video game league. It was my job; they paid me to go. I also won a free x-box 360. How bad does something have to be for them to pay their fans AND raffle off free game consoles? That being said, in the interest of full disclosure, I do love my video games.

4.Synchro-diving-I guess someone had to invent SOMETHING for Chinese athletes to excel at other than gymnastics...Okay, that is mean. But synchronized diving? What about diving was so easy that we require a version where you have to dive simultaneously with another skimpily clad underage diver? This sport had to be invented by the catholic church...Okay, also mean...but...alright, look, I don't have a politically correct way to say how much this sport sucks.

3. Biathalon-Where exactly was the concept for this sport born? Is there a pleothora of countries in which it is required to long distance cross-country ski and then shoot something? Last I checked, not even Canadians were this stupid.

2. Skeleton-When the gold medalists of your sport hadn't even HEARD of the sport the Olympics prior, something is wrong. Manned by failed bobsledders, lugers, and other suicidal men(and women! no testosterone monopoly here!)-for-hire, Skeleton is a head first plunge off the top of a mountain on a sled smaller than your torso.

1. Curling-One guy throws a "thing" on ice at a grid. Two others sweep in front of it to control its speed. distance, and direction. Is it really a sport if you can't picture a little kid thinking at some point, "when I grow up I want to sweep the ice in front of a slow moving puck!" Is there anyone who plays curling who isn't someone too lazy and fat to play hockey?

Top 5 Unconventional Sports

The rules for sports I consider "unconventional" are as follows:
It cannot be a major sport in any country (therefore no rugby, cricket, polo etc.)
It cannot be an Olympic sport; therefore no skeleton (see future Top 5 most ridiculous sports)


Honarable Mentions:

Dodgeball, The movie sucked. The "sport" is still fuckin' hilarious.
Air Hockey Possibly the only "sport" my wife can ice me at every time.
Mini Golf except for those dame dome hole. You know the ones I'm talking about. The holes that make me go from first to tenth place after 12 goddamn tries to hit the ball just fuckin' right. The holes that make you lose a bet with your friends that may or may not have you riding a mechanical bull after drinks that night...well, you get my point.
Sloshball more of a drinking gamr then a sprt. If you need my reasoning on including drinking games in this category, see "Beer Pong" below. Sloshball is a drinking version of Softball.
Frisbee Golf everyone's favorite game to play with their Dad.
Kickball- I haven't played this in a while, but I want to, anyone game?
Calvinball Look, if anyone actually PLAYED this it would be in the top 5, hands down. Unfourtunately, as far as I know it is only ever played in a comic strip. The best sprt ever played in the best comic strip ever, pherhaps; but still never played by real human beings and their sadly un-imaginary friends. (Since I was once nick-named Hobbes, I deeply regret not including this in my Top 5. Calvin and Hobbes appear in a future top 5, I promise.)

5. Laser Tag
I played this at a bachelor party once. It loses absolutley zero attraction now that you're an adult and "too old enought to play." Barney from How I Met Your Mother will confirm it awesomeness on the show.

4. Beer Pong or Beirut
I have a close friend who is a sports writer. When I asked him if this constituted a sport, this was his reaction...
"Are you kidding me, of course beer pong is a sport. You have to be skilled to excel in something while plastered, and let me tell you kids, I am a mutha fukin champion at this sport. I hit nothing but the last barley and oat in my beer tosses. "
... Look, I have to go with the experts on this one, folks.

3. Paintball
This "sport" gets as far as it does due to sheer awesomeness. It loses some status because it is hard and expensive to play. When you can swing the cost of paintball, do it

.2. Croquet
Downright awesome. Croquet sets are cheap. Now they even have travel croquet sets so you can okay in the park.

1.Ultimate Frisbee
I used to call it Frisbee Football, but, whatever the name, all you need is a frisbee and a bunch of friends.

Top 5 Movie Swordfights

Honorable Mentions:

Pirates of the Carribean, Jack Sparrow vs. Will Turner
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill vs. Ted
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Yu Shu Lien vs. Jen Lu
Star Wars Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon & Obi-Wan vs. Darth Maul
Star Wars II, Yoda vs. Count Dooku
Spaceballs, Lone Star vs. Dark Helmet, "Ah, I see your Schwartz is as big as mine"

5. Monty Python's Holy Grail, King Arthur vs. The Black Knight, Best sword fight spoof ever, "What are you going to to do? Bleed on me?"

4.Errol Flynn's Robin Hood, Robin Hood vs. Sir Guy Every fight on this list owes an homage to this fight, bar none.

3. Star Wars V, Luke vs. Vader, A classic. "Luke, I am your father"

2. Kill Bill, he Bride vs. the Crazy 88 Uma Thurman (or stunt lady Zoe Bell) kills 88 people. Absolutely bloody and incredible.

1.Inigo vs. The Man In Black (a.k.a Wesley,) The script actually calls for this to be the second best swordfight in cinema history, the first being later in the script where Inigo defeats the Six Fingered Man; however, I believe that only this one makes my list..."Because I know something you don't know, I am not left handed"

Top 5 hottest female celebrities over 50

So I'm going to indulge in some shameless shallow oggling. Hey, I'm as male as the next guy. Women are just made so wonderfully beautiful, it would be a shame to not stop and stare once in a while, right? What's amazing is how beautiful they STAY over the years.

This is not a list of women who are attractive FOR THEIR AGE. These are women who are just plain HOT for any age range. They just happen to be over 50.

5) Jane Seymour-

Alright, annoying Heart Pendant commercials aside, Jane Seymour is still one attractive lady.

4) Iman-She is over still hot, over 50 and runs a hugely successful company as a CEO. How the hell does she manage that.

3) Christie Brinkley-Still gorgeous. When she appeared in the alumni shoot for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, she still was hotter than the younger women in the front pages.


3) Sela Ward -I had no idea Sela Ward was that old. I had to triple check her birthdate just to convince myself she qualified for this list.

1) Michelle Pfeiffer- I'm not saying Michelle is ageless. If you compare younger photos to photos of today, yeah there is a line or two more on her face, but it doesn't lessen the attraction. She is still hotter than 95 % of women half her age.

Top 5 Drinking Games

Kings Cup will not be on this list. It sucks balls. Who wants to play a game where you might have to chug a tequila, zima, martini, and beer mixture? Yeah, I said it...Zima! remember that crap?

Honorable Mentions-

Roxanne- One team takes "Red Light;" the other take "Roxanne." Drink every time your word comes up. I believe "Red Light" wins by one.
Never Have I Ever- As featured on "Lost." Say something you haven't done. Anyone who has done it drinks.
Asshole- A complicated card game that comes down to the politics of revenge.
Keg Stands- Who can be lifted upside down on top of a keg, while chugging through the hose the longest? Does this count as a game?
Up the River, Down the River- Everyone gets four cards. You drink or assign when the dealer shows a matching card depending upon where you are on "the River"
High/Low- Call Higher, Lower, or the color of the next card. Drink half the amount of cards played if you lose.
3 man- a fun drinking dice game
Easter Beer Hunt- Everyone buys a six pack of their choosing. The beers are hidden by friends. The first to finish their six pack wins.
Chutes and Ladders- Drink for every level of chute you go down. Assign for every level you climb a ladder. Every time you land on a multiple of 10, make a rule.

5. Century Club- Take a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. Insane? yes. Fun? Definitely.
4. Transformers the Movie- The 80's movie. You know, the one for children? Take a drink every time anything transforms. Chug for the length of time Unicron transforms. This will take you back to your childhood. I promise.
3. Edward 40 hands- Duct tape to 40's of beer to your hands. You may not take them off until you finish both.
2. Beer Pong- Look, I am not very good at this game. Which might be why I like it. Every time I play it, I get drunk.
1. Quarters- Basically, this is Tiddlywinks for adults. You take a quarter and bounce in into one of three shot glasses. If you make it in you get to assign that shot to a player of your choice. Played with beer.

Top 5 Places I want to Visit

Australia, Canada, and Mexico, please take no offense, as I've visited you already.

5) Greece-
Olive Oil, Ouzo, and wine. It's also the birthplace of Democracy. Plus, Mediterrenean Food is awesome.


4) Chile (and Argentina)-
The new Europe: their wine country is as good or better and their countryside, I hear, is breathtaking


3) Thailand-
I love the little Scuba Diving I've experienced. It's the closest one can come to flying. Thailand is supposed to be great for scuba. Plus, Thai women....they are beautiful...(as is my wife.)


2) Egypt-
Man built this??? (or Woman??)...The Sphinx, the Pyramids sound more beuatiful than anything...I can't wait to go.


1) Italy-
Ahh...Venice....You know, Australia was always my #1. After living there for a half-year, I think it should be most people's #1. But after crossing Oz off my list I'm left next with Italy. Sadly, I'm a romantic. Two of my favorite things in life are food and love. What country does that better than Italy?

Top 5 Superhero Powers

This is a list of the top superpowers taken separately. Some superheroes, such as Superman, have many superpowers at once. While I think it likely enough for me to have a superpower for me to list my preferences, I'm not greedy enough to think I'll get more than one.

As cool as Spiderman is, his powers don't make my list because...well, let's face it, taken separately his powers are rather useless. I certainly don't want to sling from wall to wall if I can't grab a hold of them or have the fortitude to survive a fall.

Honorable Mentions:

Rubber-like Stretchiness; I'm doubt this is the proper name for this power (if such a thing exists, but you know what I mean; like Mr. Fantastic or Elastigirl.

Super Strength

Elemental Power; such as The Pyro's control of fire, Iceman's control of water, or Magneto's control of Magnetism

5) Invisibility; as cool as it would be to turn invisible, I do think you realize some of it imagined advantages wouldn't work as well as you thought. Once you open a door, or make any noise, people would know something's up.

4) Shapechanging; this would have most of the same effect as being invisible without any of the drawbacks, I think.

3) Telekenisis; moving shit with your mind? Yeah that's awesome.

2) Power of flight;There's no secret that everyone wants to be able to fly, in fact. I think most of people would think this should be number one. However, if you had the below power, you could practice jumping off cliffs as much as you want

1) Wolverine-esque Healing Power; Wolverine only kicks ass as a superhero because he has offensive weapons as well, but if you couldn't get hurt, you certainly would certainly be able to do anything you want, and quite a few of the things you don't want as well.

Top 5 Most Ridiculous NFL Stories of 2008 (so far)

5. Mike Singletary & His Pants- Mike Singletary took over as the 49ers Head Coach mid-way through the 2008 season. In his debut game the 49ers were losing by quite a bit going into halftime. In the locker room, Singletary had time for a quick pep-talk. What did he do to rally the troops? He dropped trou, meaning he took off his pants, to show the team how "embarassed" he was. In an attempt to explain this baffling course of action, Singletary said, "I've only got so much time [at halftime]"

4. Bret Favre & The Madden Curse- The Madden Curse is a curse that seems to have affected every NFL player that has graced the cover of the Madden NFL video game since they stopped putting Madden on the cover in 1999. A few of the example of players who have been affected by the curse are Micheal Vick just before his injury, Shaun Alexander just before HIS injury and Vince Young just before a memorably terrible year. Micheal Vick has been convicted of dog fighting and is no longer playing in the NFL, Shaun Alexander was cut from the Seahawks (one of the worst teams in 2008) this year, and Vince Young was benched and has been contemplating suicide. In short, for a decade now, terrible things happen to anyone who is put on the cover of that game.
It was time for it to stop.
So, EA did the smartest thing possible. They put a retired player on the cover. No one could deny Bret Favre was a great choice for the cover, and what could possibly happen to him? He was already retired.
Well, let's quickly review what DID happen:
Bret Favre decided he did NOT want to retire and accused his team of forcing him into the decision. The team responded that they could no longer use him and it was time to look to the future and told him not to come to training camp. Favre and Green Bay's argument descended into a child-like elementary school argument of pointing fingers, insults and threats. One of football's most respected heroes lost most of the esteem he had achieved in one short preaseason and ended up being traded to the NY Jets after trying to "call Green Bay's bluff." He has also recently been accused of giving insider secrets of the Packers to the Detroit Lions (a team he is in NO way affiliated with) just so they could beat his ex-team, the Packers.
The Madden Curse is real. If it can affect a retired NFL player, it will affect anyone.

3. Al Davis, Lane Kiffin & the Incredible 76 Yard Field Goal-

While playing the San Diego Chargers earlier this year, the Oakland Raiders Lane Kiffin called for a 76 yard field goal to try to get points on the board before the half. That is over 3/4 of the length of a football field. The wind was even blowing toward Janikowski, the kicker making the attempt. The kick did not even get to the other team's end-zone. Kiffin, who had tried to resign before the season, had already been told he would be fired at the end of the season by the owner Al Davis, so I guess he figured, "why the hell not?"
Lane Kiffin was fired by Al Davis the next day.

Al Davis called an over half-hour press conference on why he fired Kiffin for his "web of lies" and conspiracy. The conference was replete with pointless visual aids and accusations that respected media members were lying. Lying about specifics that absolutely no one cared about at all, except, apparently, Al Davis. At one point he said, "I was going to do this, but I AM going to this," before showing everyone a letter on overhead; this preparation clearly shows Al had every intention of "doing this."
Al Davis has also fired Jon Gruden and Mike Shannahan. Both have since won superbowls with other teams. John Madden also retired as head coach of the Raiders because he could no longer put up with Al Davis.
Next year, I think Al Davis needs to be on the cover of Madden NFL.

2. Tatum Bellhop- Running Back Rudi Johnson was cut from his team in pre-season NFL. After hearing this, the Detroit Lions invited him to try out for their team. Rudi Johnson beat out the current Running Back, Tatum Bell, for the starting job. Tatum Bell was consequently cut from the team. Upon returning to the locker room after practice, Rudi Johnson found that Tatum Bell had stolen his bags in some pouty toddler-like veangence. It was all caught on locker room security cameras. Tatum has earned the nickname Tatum Bellhop for his "help" in moving Rudi Johnson's bags.

1. Chad Ocho Cinco- Marquee player Chad Johnson of the Cincinatti Bengals is known for his end zone dances. He has also garnered the nick name "Ocho Cinco" for the number 85 he wears. Well, the nickname apparently wasn't good enoough for Chad, as he decided to legally change his name to Chad Ocho Cinco, becoming the only person in the world with the last name Ocho Cinco. Chad Ocho Cinco's jersey still reads C. Johnson, because Reebok refuses to scrap all the jersey they have created and change them to Ocho Cinco. The best part of this story? Ocho Cinco does NOT mean Eighty Five in Spanish, just simply Eight Five.

Top 5 Whistling Solos

Honorable Mentions:

Games without Frontiers by Peter Gabriel

Walk Like an Egyption by The Bangles

Young Folks by Peter, Bjorn and John

The Andy Griffith Show theme

5. Daydream-Lovin' Spoonful. About a minute in.

4. Winds of Change-Scorpions. At the beginning.

3. Don't Worry Be Happy- Bobby McFerrin. At the beginning.

2. Whistle Stop-Roger Miller a.k.a Disney's Robin Hood Theme Song. Er...the whole damn song.

1. Dock of The Bay-Otis Redding. About 2 and half minutes in.