Top 5 Disneyland Rides

I recently went to Disneyland for my 30th birthday. Its free to get into the park on your birthday this year. It was a great way to bring in the next decade of my life, by basically being a kid again. Many of my friends joined me and many memories were made. (Apparently you can ask for a map or schedule of the park anywhere and a Cast Member will show up instantaneously to deliver said need.)

I will make one controversial distinction here: I am including both Disneyland AND California Adventure. California Adventure is what makes Disneyland different from Disneyworld anyway. (Disneyland IS the better park despite what my list shows, so if you only have one day buy a single park pass. If you can, however, try to stay two days and get a park hopper pass.

5. California Screamin'

4. Turtle Talk with Crush

3. Space Mountain

2. Pirates of the Carribean

1. Twilight Zone's Tower of Terror

Top 5 Female vocalists

I am trying not to let classics rule this list. Just because the voice is older doesn't make it better. However, the older voices are known for a reason.

Shirley Manson- Out of everyone on this list, except may

be Karen O and definitely Grace Slick, she ROCKED. That is not common for a female voice.

Duffy, New on the scene, but I just can't get enough pf her songs. She is a as great of a songwriter/performer as she is musician, which is a reason she only gets an honorable mention here, even though she is more my favorite than many

on the Top 5.

Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)- I am shocked she doesn't make the Top 5. But that is the trouble with a top 5 list. There can only be 5. I gave her an honorable mention only because her band adds a lot to her sound.

Billy Holliday- Alright, possibly her voice is better than some in my top 5, but I don't really crave listening to Billie Holiday, so I couldn't, in good conscience, put her in my top 5.

5. Beth Gibbons (Portishead),

This chick's voice is fuckin' sick. She invokes amazing levels of emotion. Her surprise lyrics don't hurt either.

4. Grace Slick (Jefferson Starship),

Grace Slick was fucked up. But like many great musicians her unfortunate drug addictions either helped or didn't hinder her amazing songs. Amazing.

3 Aretha Franklin,

Give R-E-S-P-E-C-T where it is due. This lady had pipes.

2. Zooey Deschanel, Yeah, I know what your thinking, "Why is she in the top 5 with Aretha and Ella?" Well, history aside, I think Zooey's voice is legendary. It's rare I think its shame someone got success as an actor before their fame as a musician, because Zooey makes ridiculously good music.

1 .Ella Fitzgerald,

How many people have fallen in love without one of her songs as part of the theme track? I don't know any, myself included. She is inconquerable. And I don't use that word lightly.

Top 5 Gastronomical Reasons I am Looking Forward to Europe

Rissotto in Venice, Venice is one of the two regions responsible for Rissotto, one of my favorite dishes to make.

Lamb in Nice, If any place knows how to make lamb right, its France. I understand Nice has some of the best restaurants for lamb in France.

Brian's Indian Cooking, When the friend we are staying with in Germany learned that Jodie and I loved Indian cooking, he made it his goal to perfect his Indian recipes. I look forward to comparing notes with him. Especially since Indian food is not my specialty.

Pizza in Rome, Pizza will be different in Italy, I imagine, but it is also its birth

place and I can't wait to try it.

Meat (Hopefully Goat) in Florence, Tuscany has less pasta and more MEAT. They season it simply and marinate, slow-cook or grill it. Mmmmm...meat.

Prosciutto from Italy, I LOVE Prosciuotto, I can't wait to try the real thing.

Cheese Fondue in Germany, My imperfect and incorrect understanding is that they serve cheese fondue before every meal in Germany. They also pass it out free in the streets, and each bite of fondue grants you three wishes.

A REAL Bratwurst in Munich, I

love German cooking and feel a little embarassed that nothing German made it to the top 5. Scnitzel, Spaetzel, etc. all are amazing.

5. Wine in Avignon (Hopefully Chateneuf du Pape,)

The French perfected wine before America was even discovered by Europeans. Their weather isn't as good as ours for wine, but

their centuries of knowledge more than makes up for it.

4. Bread & Cheese in Paris,

I hear their bread and cheese is unlike anywhere else in the world.

3. Pesto in Cinque Terre,

Can these simple ingredients be better in another place in the world? Well, the Italian River

ia invented centuries ago, so if they don't know how to make perfect, who does.

This has been my wife's favorite food since diapers, and she has de

finitley onverted me. I make it frequently.

2. Trappist Beer in Belgium,

This list is full if, "they invented this, they invented that." I'mm sure you're thinking, "what the hell else could they hav

e invented over there?" Well, try BEER.

Trappist Monks #1: "W'ere too poor to afford wine for the sacrament, so we'll have to ferment something else."

Trappist Monk #2: "What could we possibly ferment?"

Trappist Monk #1: "We have tons of Barley, Hops, and Wheat..."

Trappist Monk #2: "Well, that sounds delicious, Trappist Monk One. Perhaps if we add Yeast we can create another beverage of the Gods."

...And so they did. Never again ask what God has done for you, boys and girls. God has given you BEER.

1. Oktoberfest, Yes, I am aware this is the second consecutive listing in the top 5 concerning beer, but I'm going to be in Munich during Oktoberfest! I am going to be in the beer festival capital of the world, in the middle of the BEER FESTIVAL OF THE WORLD. That is not an exxaggeration. That is the fact. Even children drink beer in Munich during Oktoberfest. My ancestors drank beer every year in Munich on Oktoberfest. It's Oktoberfest, man. What Fest is better than a fest celebrating the greatness of BEER? None, I tell you. Oktoberfest shall be the second best day of my life. Not that I expect to remember a whole lot.

Top 5 Song Lyrics That Choke Me Up

Not every song lyric in here is from a favorite song. As a matter of fact most of my favorites go unmentioned. I struggled to keep "My Guitar Gently Weeps," on the list before I admitted to myself, I find the lyrics awesome, but I never get "veclempt" over them. We can't control what hits us emotionally. I have tried to identify what it is that hits me personally with each song, but sometimes its as simple as a good or bad memory, or just how a singer performs a certain song. (I have to apologize to Karl for appearing in a blog with Barenaked Ladies)

"Driving back to her apartment. And she's alone; And I'm alone; And now I know it."

-Brick, Ben Folds Five, Brick

This has no bearing on my life whatsoever, I have never had to help a girl with an abortion, but the emotion in this song is so raw, I can feel how Mr. Folds felt

"I'm alive! And my eyes wanna cry, 'cuz the night and the sky is so high, and my life is sublime, and its mine; times like these that you know you love life, nights like these you know you're good for it, nights like these that you laugh until you cry."

-Cat Empire, Days Like These

Look, my life rocks. So these lyrics remind me of how lucky I am.

"Just trying to find me something I can lean against, so I'm gonna steady myself on a reliable friend."

-Powderfinger, Since You've Been Gone

This reminds me of my hugely supporive groups of friends. They are always there for me. I wish everyone were so lucky.

"I know I know (indefinitely)... but ain't no sunshine when she's gone...anytime she goes away"

-Bill Withers, Ain't No Sunshine

This is mostly due to the emotion in Bill's voice when he sings this section. Although I understand the sentiment that there ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

"One day he was butt-raped by a large in-mate, and he screamed, but he guards paid no intention to his cries"

-Sublime, Date Rape

This song makes me tear up for different, yet eqaully valid, humorous reasons. I will always remember a story from an older brother whose friend who heard this song on the radio while on a date while it was still a new song and turned upthe volume saying, "I love this song!" How it turned into a long-term relationship, I have no idea.

"I found the love I knew I would miss, and now she's gone even though I hold her tight, I lost my love, my life, that night."

-Pearl Jam, Last Kiss

Reminds me that I have to stick around for Jodie, my wife and she better stick around for me

"I know some day you'll have a beautiful life, I hope you'll be a star. In somebody else's sky, but, why, oh, why can't it be me?"

-Pearl Jam, Black

This song always reminds me of Karl who probably got tired of us requesting him to play this song throughout college. But his rendition of this song was always so heartfelt, it moved you.

"'Scuse me, please, one more drink, could you make it

strong, 'cuz I've don't no need to think; she broke my heart; my Grace is gone; one more drink and I'll move on."

-Dave Matthews Band, Grace Is Gone

I may never have permanantly broke up with Jodie, but that didn't make our break up any less painful. This song reminds me of that time.

"You see the new job's a hassle and the kid has the flu, but it's been sure nice talking to you Dad, its been sure nice talking to you; and as I hung up the phone it occurred to me: he grown up just like me; my boy was just like me"

Ugly Kid Joe, Cats in the Cradle Originally by Harry Chapin

My Dad HATES this song. It reminds him of exactly the type of father he didn't want to be. Well, Dad, I have news for you...you needn't have worried.

5. "Why did I have to break in? I only came here to talk. But this is where we used to live."

-Everyone who has lived at the "SET" at my wedding

- Barenaked Ladies, The Old Apartment

This just reminds me of amazing time at the "SET," my college apartment. Do I want to go back to that time? No. Do I miss it? Hell Fucking Yes.

4. "Though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before, and I know I'll often stop and think about them; In my life, I love you more."

-The Beatles, In My Life

The King Lear of Music (If you don't get this, pease repeat high school English.) An ode to your parents with the realization of how much your romantic love means to you.

3. "And the the spell was cast; And here we are in heaven

...For you are Mine... At Last"

-Etta James, At Last

Alright, forgive me, for playing the race card, but this song will always have more meaning for me than it already did. When Beyonce sang this for Barack and Michelle, I wept like a little schoolgirl. Whe she sang, You are Mine, she evoked a meaning beyond race. A meaning that anything was possible. Any child of any race, sex, and hopefully, sexual preference, can be the president someday.

2. "And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar, and say, 'Man, what are you doing here?'" -Billy Joel, Piano Man

Maybe this relates to my being a performer and having heard a similar sentiment a few times, but this always gets me.

1. "We could be married and then we'd be happy. Wouldn't it be nice?"

-The Beach Boys, Wouldn't It Be Nice

My wife and I didn't pick this as our first dance. But, after classical guitar for the ceremony, we closed it with this song. It got a chuckle. We also entered the reception to this song. We got a huge cheer. It was unintintionally the most memorable song at the wedding.

Top 5 Animals It Would Be Awesome to Be

This is not a list of my favorite animals, or the coolest animals. This is a list of animals it would be awesome to actually be. Meaning they have it made in some great way that would make awesome to live as that animal. I love polar bears, wolves, and koalas for example, but I don't relish the amount of time and trouble wolves and polar bears have to put in to feed themselves and stay alive. Koalas have the opposite problem, in that I think I would get bored out of my mind the second day sleepin on a Eucalyptus tree. (Plus, excuse my language below. For some reason the word "fuck" just seemed to get used a lot in this blog)

Flying Squirrel-We can't quite fly, but we can do the next best thing and flying just seems like such a cool thing to do. Unfortunately, we are also lunch for a crapload of other animals.
Elephant-No one fucks with an elephant. We are huge and we never forget. Hell, we are the mafia of the animal world. The authorities couldn't even figure out where we put our dead until recently. Plus we have cool nose-arms.
Kangaroo-We are the kings and queens of our territory. We can hop, stand on our tails, and kick the crap out of others with our feet. We have to face some lean times now and then, but our ladies can put their pregnancy on hold whenever they want. Talk about awesome birth control.

Owl- We are wise, can fly, and see in the dark. Nothing messes with us, and mice are easy to find. None of that hard-to-find-prey that wolves, tigers, bears, and hawks have to mess with. Just furry hot pockets whenever we want.

5. Orangutan, Lemur or other tree Ape-

Basically we're small humans that can swing from tree branch to tree branch without all that working for a living crap. Wanna bannana?

4. Male Lion-Dude, a bunch a bitches get our food and give us love all day long. 'Nough said.

3. Sea Turtle-

We are chill without being lazy, and fuckin' impervious. Seriously, try to eat us, we dare you. Basically, we can't be fucked with and we don't fuck with anyone, 'cuz, quite frankly, we don't need to. That and we get to glide around all day in the beautiful reefs like we're flying. We also exist all over the world, so we can go where we want, when we want.

2. Pelican- Yeah, we're funny lookin'. But think about it. But we hang out by the ocean all day, play in the surf and easily catch a fish whenever we want. We hang with a large group of buddies and have no real predators. Oh, and we can fly!

1. Dolphin-We are smarter than all hell and probably wiser than humans. Our life consists of playing and protecting those who aren't as awesome as we are. (like a foolish human getting to close to great white sharks.) We are also extremely well travelled. We have my own awesome sonar language. We have no real predators, and if a Great White really annoys us, we'll get some friends and will kick its ass. And then go race a boat of tourists. Nothing is more awesome than us. Oh, and thanks for all the fish!

Top 5 Most Ridiculous Sports

It is required that a sport be either recognized as a professional sport by a country or been made an Olympic Sport.

Honorable Mentions:
Bull Fighting- I eat meat, so perhaps this is hypocritical, but do we really need to kill a bull every time someone competes? And torture it first? I mean, if either a) the bull was eaten and put to good use or b) if the bull had a chance at victory. (It dies whether it gets the bull-fighter or not.) Yes, I understand this is a tradition. So was Stoning and Feeding Christians to Lions. I'm just saying...

Cricket- I know that this is Britain's pasttime. I also know it is incomprehensible. This is the only professional sport that breaks for tea!! When I lived in Australia, I got the hang of Rugby and Aussie Rules football, and desperately tried to understand Cricket. But I just couldn't get a hang of it. I swear to you, I watched a batter swing at a ball about 9 times, before finally hitting it straight to some guy about 5 feet away. He ran back and forth between to poles about 3 times before this player got the ball under control and tossed it to the pitcher. The score went from 1250-15 to 175 to 1000.

5. Professional Video Gaming-I went to the playoffs (playoffs!) of the pro video game league. It was my job; they paid me to go. I also won a free x-box 360. How bad does something have to be for them to pay their fans AND raffle off free game consoles? That being said, in the interest of full disclosure, I do love my video games.

4.Synchro-diving-I guess someone had to invent SOMETHING for Chinese athletes to excel at other than gymnastics...Okay, that is mean. But synchronized diving? What about diving was so easy that we require a version where you have to dive simultaneously with another skimpily clad underage diver? This sport had to be invented by the catholic church...Okay, also mean...but...alright, look, I don't have a politically correct way to say how much this sport sucks.

3. Biathalon-Where exactly was the concept for this sport born? Is there a pleothora of countries in which it is required to long distance cross-country ski and then shoot something? Last I checked, not even Canadians were this stupid.

2. Skeleton-When the gold medalists of your sport hadn't even HEARD of the sport the Olympics prior, something is wrong. Manned by failed bobsledders, lugers, and other suicidal men(and women! no testosterone monopoly here!)-for-hire, Skeleton is a head first plunge off the top of a mountain on a sled smaller than your torso.

1. Curling-One guy throws a "thing" on ice at a grid. Two others sweep in front of it to control its speed. distance, and direction. Is it really a sport if you can't picture a little kid thinking at some point, "when I grow up I want to sweep the ice in front of a slow moving puck!" Is there anyone who plays curling who isn't someone too lazy and fat to play hockey?

Top 5 Unconventional Sports

The rules for sports I consider "unconventional" are as follows:
It cannot be a major sport in any country (therefore no rugby, cricket, polo etc.)
It cannot be an Olympic sport; therefore no skeleton (see future Top 5 most ridiculous sports)


Honarable Mentions:

Dodgeball, The movie sucked. The "sport" is still fuckin' hilarious.
Air Hockey Possibly the only "sport" my wife can ice me at every time.
Mini Golf except for those dame dome hole. You know the ones I'm talking about. The holes that make me go from first to tenth place after 12 goddamn tries to hit the ball just fuckin' right. The holes that make you lose a bet with your friends that may or may not have you riding a mechanical bull after drinks that night...well, you get my point.
Sloshball more of a drinking gamr then a sprt. If you need my reasoning on including drinking games in this category, see "Beer Pong" below. Sloshball is a drinking version of Softball.
Frisbee Golf everyone's favorite game to play with their Dad.
Kickball- I haven't played this in a while, but I want to, anyone game?
Calvinball Look, if anyone actually PLAYED this it would be in the top 5, hands down. Unfourtunately, as far as I know it is only ever played in a comic strip. The best sprt ever played in the best comic strip ever, pherhaps; but still never played by real human beings and their sadly un-imaginary friends. (Since I was once nick-named Hobbes, I deeply regret not including this in my Top 5. Calvin and Hobbes appear in a future top 5, I promise.)

5. Laser Tag
I played this at a bachelor party once. It loses absolutley zero attraction now that you're an adult and "too old enought to play." Barney from How I Met Your Mother will confirm it awesomeness on the show.

4. Beer Pong or Beirut
I have a close friend who is a sports writer. When I asked him if this constituted a sport, this was his reaction...
"Are you kidding me, of course beer pong is a sport. You have to be skilled to excel in something while plastered, and let me tell you kids, I am a mutha fukin champion at this sport. I hit nothing but the last barley and oat in my beer tosses. "
... Look, I have to go with the experts on this one, folks.

3. Paintball
This "sport" gets as far as it does due to sheer awesomeness. It loses some status because it is hard and expensive to play. When you can swing the cost of paintball, do it

.2. Croquet
Downright awesome. Croquet sets are cheap. Now they even have travel croquet sets so you can okay in the park.

1.Ultimate Frisbee
I used to call it Frisbee Football, but, whatever the name, all you need is a frisbee and a bunch of friends.

Top 5 Movie Swordfights

Honorable Mentions:

Pirates of the Carribean, Jack Sparrow vs. Will Turner
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill vs. Ted
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Yu Shu Lien vs. Jen Lu
Star Wars Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon & Obi-Wan vs. Darth Maul
Star Wars II, Yoda vs. Count Dooku
Spaceballs, Lone Star vs. Dark Helmet, "Ah, I see your Schwartz is as big as mine"

5. Monty Python's Holy Grail, King Arthur vs. The Black Knight, Best sword fight spoof ever, "What are you going to to do? Bleed on me?"

4.Errol Flynn's Robin Hood, Robin Hood vs. Sir Guy Every fight on this list owes an homage to this fight, bar none.

3. Star Wars V, Luke vs. Vader, A classic. "Luke, I am your father"

2. Kill Bill, he Bride vs. the Crazy 88 Uma Thurman (or stunt lady Zoe Bell) kills 88 people. Absolutely bloody and incredible.

1.Inigo vs. The Man In Black (a.k.a Wesley,) The script actually calls for this to be the second best swordfight in cinema history, the first being later in the script where Inigo defeats the Six Fingered Man; however, I believe that only this one makes my list..."Because I know something you don't know, I am not left handed"

Top 5 hottest female celebrities over 50

So I'm going to indulge in some shameless shallow oggling. Hey, I'm as male as the next guy. Women are just made so wonderfully beautiful, it would be a shame to not stop and stare once in a while, right? What's amazing is how beautiful they STAY over the years.

This is not a list of women who are attractive FOR THEIR AGE. These are women who are just plain HOT for any age range. They just happen to be over 50.

5) Jane Seymour-

Alright, annoying Heart Pendant commercials aside, Jane Seymour is still one attractive lady.

4) Iman-She is over still hot, over 50 and runs a hugely successful company as a CEO. How the hell does she manage that.

3) Christie Brinkley-Still gorgeous. When she appeared in the alumni shoot for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, she still was hotter than the younger women in the front pages.


3) Sela Ward -I had no idea Sela Ward was that old. I had to triple check her birthdate just to convince myself she qualified for this list.

1) Michelle Pfeiffer- I'm not saying Michelle is ageless. If you compare younger photos to photos of today, yeah there is a line or two more on her face, but it doesn't lessen the attraction. She is still hotter than 95 % of women half her age.

Top 5 Drinking Games

Kings Cup will not be on this list. It sucks balls. Who wants to play a game where you might have to chug a tequila, zima, martini, and beer mixture? Yeah, I said it...Zima! remember that crap?

Honorable Mentions-

Roxanne- One team takes "Red Light;" the other take "Roxanne." Drink every time your word comes up. I believe "Red Light" wins by one.
Never Have I Ever- As featured on "Lost." Say something you haven't done. Anyone who has done it drinks.
Asshole- A complicated card game that comes down to the politics of revenge.
Keg Stands- Who can be lifted upside down on top of a keg, while chugging through the hose the longest? Does this count as a game?
Up the River, Down the River- Everyone gets four cards. You drink or assign when the dealer shows a matching card depending upon where you are on "the River"
High/Low- Call Higher, Lower, or the color of the next card. Drink half the amount of cards played if you lose.
3 man- a fun drinking dice game
Easter Beer Hunt- Everyone buys a six pack of their choosing. The beers are hidden by friends. The first to finish their six pack wins.
Chutes and Ladders- Drink for every level of chute you go down. Assign for every level you climb a ladder. Every time you land on a multiple of 10, make a rule.

5. Century Club- Take a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. Insane? yes. Fun? Definitely.
4. Transformers the Movie- The 80's movie. You know, the one for children? Take a drink every time anything transforms. Chug for the length of time Unicron transforms. This will take you back to your childhood. I promise.
3. Edward 40 hands- Duct tape to 40's of beer to your hands. You may not take them off until you finish both.
2. Beer Pong- Look, I am not very good at this game. Which might be why I like it. Every time I play it, I get drunk.
1. Quarters- Basically, this is Tiddlywinks for adults. You take a quarter and bounce in into one of three shot glasses. If you make it in you get to assign that shot to a player of your choice. Played with beer.